I’m Singing In The Rain By Cookie

This topic has been such a struggle for me, I have thought about it for a couple of weeks. What would I write about? I was approached two years ago with the idea of writing a blog, and felt stupid when I asked what a blog was. I told them I would think about it and never again brought it up. Then while reading Kelly’s blog I was touched beyond words and inspired to try. I honestly do not believe that my words will ever inspire anyone or make the best blogger award, but they do bring me a sense of peace, hope and self-worth. I am able to express my self without reservation. Sometimes when you try to tell someone how you feel the emotions or the fears keep the words locked up inside of you. I have struggled with this subject; I even spoke to Kelly on the phone about it. She told me you don’t have to write a blog on every topic, but the thing is I do. She said write about one thing you have gone through, she makes it seem so easy when it comes to writing blogs. Still nothing. Oh I had cute ideas and thoughts to put down but nothing that touched me. I almost decided that I would sit this one out. I wouldn’t be able to weather the storm of challenging topics. I laughed at myself and thought girl, all the things you have weathered and survived you are going to let one little blog on a difficult topic get you. Yes, I was. Every day I tossed thoughts in my head about what I should write about and here I am writing now and not one idea do I have to make this a wonderful, touching or inspiring blog. Maybe that isn’t the reason we are supposed to be doing this. Life isn’t always wonderful and stories shared about our lives are not always inspiring and some people that we do come into contact will never be touched by our words. So what? I write for myself. I write because I need to. We all have our reasons, some we can share and some we can’t. So I plan to weather this blog, letter by letter. In the beginning I was going to be cute and say wouldn’t it be  cool, if you could put your dna code into a computer and it would give you, your weekly forecast. Monday you will be mildly flaring. Tuesday you will be depressed. Wednesday you will have severe back pain. Thursday and Friday look to be the same. Saturday will be mildly aching and Sunday you will feel normal. Now that would be one hell of an application for your Iphone. Then I thought I would share with you how weather affects me. I always know when it’s going to rain, my hips will ache, and I feel like the pressure in my chest is going to explode. I spoke to my doctor about it thinking I was losing my mind. He told me the barometer changes in the weather affect people with Ankylosing Spondylistis. I am almost as accurate as our local weatherman is, maybe that will be my new job in the future. Then I was going to share with you the storms of Ankylosing Spondylitis that I have weathered in my life. I remember at the age of twenty-one stepping out of bed, and a shooting pain in my left heel. I couldn’t walk the pain was so unbearable. I wore shoes that were 3 sizes to large for me for years, because I had a 2 to 3 inch knot on my heel in the back of my foot. Was horrible to look at. It was hot to touch and so tender I couldn’t stand to touch it. I suffered with this for many years. After about three years of remicade treatment I was able to wear my normal size shoe again. I wear a size six and it was wonderful to get rid of all the size nines. To this day I am still unable to walk barefoot even on carpet. I step out of the tub, into shoes. I get out of bed into shoes. I am never without a pair of sandals at my side. I can only wear sandals, because the pain in my feet is so unbearable. Then I was going to tell you about the pain in my neck and arms that I suffered with for years. Doctors told me it was tension. My hands were always tingling and had sharp pains it was like when your feet fall asleep. I suffered with that pain for four years. One morning I woke up and couldn’t speak, or feel my face. I went into the restroom and my face was turned to the side. I appeared to have had a stroke. My father had one in 1984 that left him paralyzed and unable to speak, so I was terrified and frightened about my future and how I would care for my family. I ended up in the hospital and had to have an emergency cervical fusion on my neck. I was sitting in the room waiting for them to take me back to surgery when the nurse came in carrying my chart. She said all right Judy are you ready for your back surgery? Fear, fear that I had never felt before shot through me, and up off the bed and down the hall I went. It was not easy  convincing me to go back and have the surgery. The reason for my absolute terror was the fact that my twenty-year-old cousin had gone in as an outpatient to have her tubes tied, she was gassed accidentally and died. I was fifteen at the time and that fear has consumed me every time I have been put to sleep, as of today that is 31 times. The intubation done on me during this surgery was so difficult that to this day my fear is so strong that I have put off a life or death surgery for over two years. I thought maybe I would share with you the storms I have weathered in life, but was unsure of what to share. I worry if my husband will be able to weather the storms of Ankylosing Spondylitis wife and marriage. I came across a picture of Eeyore, with his little head down, walking with a cloud of rain over his head and thought he should be the poster child for Ankylosing Spondylitis. He shuffles slowly where ever he goes with a touch of sadness about him no matter what the occasion is in his life.

That is how I feel, no matter what I am doing or who I am with, there is always a touch of sadness in me. This disease has taken a part of me away, causing my loved ones to never know who I might of been. This disease changes you, not only your body, but your mind, heart, and soul. I wonder sometimes who would I have been had it not been for this disease. Would I still be a compassionate person?  Would I still be a person who does kind deeds?  Would I be someone I can be proud of? I may not be proud of what Ankylosing Spondylitis has done to my body, but I am proud of the person I am. I am thankful that Ankylosing Spondylitis has taught me to sing in the rain.

I may not be able to stand tall,  but I will stand beside you.

I may not always be able to spend time with you,  but there will never be a time you aren’t inside my heart.

Today when I signed on face book there was a link to a story. I clicked on it and thought this is what the topic of weathering the storm is really about.  I struggled to write this blog and never needed to, it had already been written for me.

Nick Vujicic talks about going through the storms in life. The thing that touched me the most is when he speaks about not having hands to hold his wife’s hand, but says when the times comes he will hold her heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc4HGQHgeFE&feature=player_embedded

http://www.lifewithoutlimbs.org/

Life is about living it, to the best ability that you are able to. It’s  about getting through the storms of life the best way you can.

It’s about looking back one day on your past, realizing just how strong you really are,  by seeing what you had the strength to get through.

It is about weathering the storm called life waiting for that rainbow to come through once again.

Weathering the storm for me is about having the courage to get through any challenge life brings my way and having the faith in my self to do so and the hope that I will.

My friend,  it is not what they take away from you that counts;

it is what you do with what you have left.  By Hubert Humphrey

If you think you are beaten, you are,

If you think you dare not, you don’t.

If you like to win, but you think you can’t, It is almost certain you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost,

For out in the world we find, Success begins with a fellow’s will.

It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are,

You’ve got to think high to rise,

You’ve got to be sure of yourself before You can ever win a prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go To the stronger or faster man.

But sooner or later the man who wins, Is the man who thinks he can.

~ C. W. Longenecker ~

This blog is dedicated to me for weathering the storm of challenging topics.

This blog is written in honor of my daughter, Christy. I pray one day while looking in the mirror, she will see herself through my eyes.

Have You Ever Seen The Rain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gu2pVPWGYMQ

Advertisements

2 Responses to “I’m Singing In The Rain By Cookie”

  1. Jackie Aitchison Says:

    You have made me cry on my birthday!!!
    Another class Blog my friend, so very well done xx

    • I hope they were tears of joy, if not I hope they were tears of healing, but one good thing about it, tears help put of the flames on the birthday cake! Thank you so much Jackie you make me feel special, it is nice when someone really gets what you are trying to say in your blog. Happy Birthday My Dear Friend!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: